Your Past Does Not Define Your Future

Her name was Minnie. 

Both of her parents died when she was just 14 and she married at the tender age of 16.  She gave birth to 14 children, but only half would survive longer than she did.  She lost four of her children when they died at a young age and after her husband left the home she became a single mother caring for 10 children.  Because neither of her parents were alive, she had no one to turn to for help.

Three more of her children would die as young adults within 1 year of each other.

Three of her children ran away from home because of the living conditions and ended up in an orphanage.  When Minnie died the 2 children still living at home were placed in orphanages.

Her name was Minnie and she was my great grandmother. 

Although, I never met Minnie I feel like I know her.  I’ve often thought about what her life must have been like.  How hard it would be to survive the loss of one child much less 7 children. There was no dishwasher to wash the dishes after feeding 10 children. There was no husband to help her cook those meals or to put those 10 children to bed each night.  There was not enough money to afford the medicine that would keep them healthy when the influenza pandemic occurred in the early 1900’s claiming the lives of half her children.

When I began researching my family tree I was fortunate that my grandmother was still alive so that I could ask her questions.  At first she was reluctant to give information, but eventually she ended up sharing a lot of family history.  Some of which was hard to hear.  My grandfather was one of the 3 that ran away from home and ended up in the orphanage.  She told me that 2 of his older sisters had moved to NYC where they “made their living off of men” as she put it.

In her own family, her mother married someone that the family didn’t approve of so she was essentially disowned.  They separated when my grandmother was just a baby and left her mother as a single parent to care for her 5 children.   Since her mother had no family to turn to she too was alone in caring for her children.

There was so much heartbreak and family brokenness.  But it didn’t start with this generation. 

Her name was Melissa.  She had 5 children when her husband went off to fight in the Civil war. Shortly after, she would leave all but the youngest in the care of her mother and it was reported that she went to NY City with a man where they kept a house of “Ill fame.”  Melissa most likely did not know that her husband had been captured and taken to Andersonville Confederate prison in Georgia where he later died because of the horrific conditions.

Documents for John Gowers pension file dated 1875 describe how John was thought to have deserted the Army.  Perhaps Melissa never heard from her husband after he left for war and feared the worst for his fate.  At the very least, she may have been discouraged by so little contact from him.  The soldiers in Andersonville were restricted to single page letters left unsealed in a small wooden mailbox.  After being screened for approval, the letters were forwarded to Richmond by boat.  They generally reached their destination, but sometimes not for several months.

Documents for John Gowers pension file dated 1870 state that in 1863 or 64, Melissa left all the children except her youngest child, John Jr., in the care of her mother (one document states it was her mother). The document further stated that Melissa "absconded" to NYC with a man and never returned.    It was believed that she and this man kept a house of "ill fame” in the year of 1866.  After a diligent search for Melissa it was common report that she and the child John Jr died in 1868. 

The four children she left behind when she “absconded” to NYC were subsequently placed in orphanage homes.

Melissa was the mother of Minnie’s husband in the first story above.

I was struck by the similarities in the stories of two different women from two different generations. Both had a husband leave (admittedly for very different reasons) and both ended up with their children placed in orphanages.

Melissa made a decision all those years ago that affected the lives of her children and subsequently the lives of her children’s children.  Perhaps it seemed normal for Minnie’s husband to leave as he himself grew up without parents to care for him.  The same thing he experienced was then repeated in his own family.  I find it so interesting (and tragic) that both generations had women who went to NYC and engaged in prostitution.  The women from these two generations never knew each other and the younger generation most likely did not know the story of what happened to Melissa yet their situations were similar and their lives repeated the same trajectory.

 

 

I am so thankful that my grandmother and grandfather chose not to repeat that cycle of brokenness and heartbreak.  Because they chose to break that cycle, my dad grew up in a family that valued staying together.  My grandparents worked hard and made a good life for themselves and their children.  Because of their choice, I then grew up in the same environment.

But many families today continue to repeat the same cycles of brokenness and dysfunction that they grew up in.  Many girls who end up trapped in a life of prostitution are simply repeating the cycle of what occurred in their own family.  Their view of love has been skewed by what they experienced growing up.  Some see violence and verbal abuse as something that is normal and acceptable.  When your only exposure to relationships are to those that are unhealthy, your view of what you will tolerate is much different than those who are exposed to healthy relationships.  

For those that run away from a home they can’t endure any longer, as my own ancestors did, they are putting themselves at risk.  Statistics show that 1 in 3 runaways will be approached by a pimp within 48 hours.  If you’re 13 years old and out on the street not knowing where you will sleep that night you are at risk.  When a sweet talking older man offers to feed you and give you a place to stay, at just 13, you are likely to go with him because you don’t know how to survive all alone.

For some, poverty runs so deep that they have seen their own parents struggle to survive.  Prostitution then becomes about lack of choices and opportunities.  These women may believe that this is the only way they know to survive. Once that cycle starts it is a hard one to break because you have no real job experience to put on a resume. 

The good news is that we can choose to draw a line in the sand and say No More because I want different for my family. 

One of the things I am passionate about is letting women know their worth and value.   I want them to know that whatever their family situation is that they have a heavenly Father who loves them more than anything they could ever imagine. A father who will never leave them or disappoint them.   I want them to know that their future looks a lot brighter than what they may have experienced or been told.  They don’t have to let the past define their future. They can change the trajectory of the path they’ve been set upon and change the future for themselves and for their children. It won’t be easy and will require hard work, but the end result is a beautiful life filled with purpose and potential.  God has a plan for each and every one of us and my desire if for women to step into that life.